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Wit & Wisdom from Military Manuals
 
"If the Enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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> "It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed." -   > U.S. Air Force Manual
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> "Aim towards the Enemy" - Instructions printed on U.S.Rocket Launcher.
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> "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."  -  U.S. Marine Corps
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> "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
> The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."  -  USAF Ammo Troop
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> "Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."  - General MacArthur
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> "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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> "You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me."  - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt
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> "Tracers work both ways." -  U.S. Army Ordnance
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> "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -  Infantry Journal
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> "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."  -  U.S.Navy Swabbie
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> "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."  -  David Hackworth
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> "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."  -
> Infantry Journal
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> "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."  -  Joe Gay
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> "Any ship can be a minesweeper.  Once."  -  Unknown
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> "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."  - Unknown Marine Recruit
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> "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
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> "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop
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> "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."  - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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> "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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> "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."  -  From an old carrier sailor
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> "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
> helicopter  -  and therefore, unsafe."
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> "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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> "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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> "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;  If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."
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> "Never trade luck for skill."
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> "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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> "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."
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> "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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> "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
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> "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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> "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."  -  Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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> "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."  -  Jon McBride, astronaut
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> "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."  -  Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
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> "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  -  Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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> "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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> "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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> "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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> Basic Flying Rules:  "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."
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> "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"  The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  -   Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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2-14-07 A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Dallas theater. When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the cowboy,

  "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

  The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to
have to call the manager."

  Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched
briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

  Finally they summoned the law. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly, then asked the cowboy "All right son,
what's your name?"

  "Sam," the cowboy moaned.

  "Where ya' from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

  With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a
muscle, Sam replied,

  "The balcony."
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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Thanks to Sonshine Bulletin for today's humor. KB)

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaky little voice
saying, "The big sissy"

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(Thanks to Sonshine Bulletin for today's humor. KB) A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering where my friend attended. My friend approached the doctor with a subject that the doctor knew well.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
My friend thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." -------------------------------------------------------------------- You've Got Mail ! Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,
"What's the trouble"? "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the
mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!" "What is it"? I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

Smile and Have A Great Day.

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The Headstone !

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night"? "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Important Indian Prophecy It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their New Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what The winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and Asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."..........

-- Trickery ! An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son, Bob, in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of
her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her." He then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me"? The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
Smile and Have A Great Day.

WHO'S WHO????
~ A programmer is someone who solves a problem you

didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
~ An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
~ A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
~ A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
~ A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.
~ A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
~ A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
~ A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
~ A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
~ A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
~ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Skunks ! One day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it." An hour later, the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have two skunks in my basement!"_______________________

Ghosts ! A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages. "Don't worry," says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here." "How long is that"? asks the girl. "About three hundred years." ----------------------------------------------------------- Fresh Coffee, Please ! Late one night, I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here"? I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." submitted by Ken Board

Coffee was always served at our church after the sermon. One Sunday our minister asked one of the smaller members of the congregation if he knew why we had coffee hour. Without hesitating, the youngster replied, "To wake people up before they have to drive home." Thanks to Church Laughs ---------------------------------------------- What's Good Here? Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight"? Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95." Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Murphy's Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Technology Law #15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

A SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law'ssecond husband's cousin's beautician. submitted by Ken Board - Missionary to Japan